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Greatest Story ever told is on another shelf

Peter Cameron once wrote that one man’s nonsense is another man’s sense. God forbid if someday someone ever even in the tiniest possible way understood the nonsense I weave. That day my friends is not one I would like to see. That day all the dinosaurs and dodos will disappear from the face of earth for good and no one, not ever Steven Spielberg will be able to bring them back even on screen. 
Anyways so I was reading Zombie Haikus by Ryan Mecum. Let me take a moment here to tell you guys about Ryan Mecum. He is God of fun haikus and poems. Be it Zombies or Vampires or Werewolves, Ryan has written about all of them. like check these out-
“Those were not vampires.
If sunlight makes you sparkle,
you’re a unicorn.”
and
“Blood is really warm,
it’s like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.” 
Haan how cool is that? Click these links to read more and you will be so happy that may be you will adopt a vampire or a zombie today. 
 
RYAN MECUM GOODREADS
AND ON TWITTER
Twitter-Mecum Haiku
AND HIS WEBSITE
RYAN MECUM
 
so as I was saying I was reading Zombie Haikus and was so horribly terribly inspired that I wrote a poem on Zombies ( cos I don’t know how to write a haiku)  which is Dark and Gory and deadly and deep and horrible and everything that is bad but in a good sort of way.
 There was once a zombie
who married for treats,
then the treats disappeared
and all that was left was gift wraps
and empty boxes
Then he was shot in a grocery store
cos people thought he was going to eat them
and why a zombie would want to buy bleach
they couldn’t understand
But Zombies don’t die unless shot at head
the grocery store security guy didn’t know that
so the zombie kept getting up and shot
again and again and a few times more
it was like a big, giant story of
death and re birth all happening
so fast and so may a times
and the security guy was in tears
crying why don’t you die
you horrible thing with a bottle of bleach
All this was so funny in a horrible sort of way
GOOD LORD A ZOMBIE PIG I THINK I HAVE SEEN IT ALL MAY BE NOT I AM NOT THAT OLD

GOOD LORD A ZOMBIE PIG
I THINK I HAVE SEEN IT ALL
MAY BE NOT I AM NOT THAT OLD

copyright Somkritya ( who else)

Happy weekend ya all :)

Rats in the attic

There are two kinds of rats, the Attic rats and the Gutter rats. Easy to tell them apart if you are an avid Rat watcher. However I do not discriminate, I hate all the rats equally. Brown or Black, Rich or Poor,  Asian or European. Rats are Crats and if you do not find a way to keep them away they soon find a way to czrat zrat zrat zrat ztat za ztat za ztat which is rat language for-I will chew on your stuff and pee and poop inside your house .
A wise old Rat once told me that the rats who live or work in attic are considered Elite (Tom Cruise of MI6 elite) in their community and not only are they experts in all kinds of invasions but are also very light on their feet. That is they can tip toe around easily  and never get caught, unless they want you to know of their presence, something they do when they want to creep you out or to challenge themselves. And one has to go through very tough selection process and a tougher training before one can even dream of being in the attic.
ELITE ATTIC RAT
So it generated a lot of  buzz and squeaks when Captain Rat ‘o’ Cheekay chose that odd ball Blinkin’ Kalamiti to be an Attic rat. One look at him and you would know he didn’t fit in the Elite Attic Rat community.
Blinkin’ Kalamiti ( BK) had some real problems, behavioral as well as occupational. And within a month of joining the forces he had made quite a few enemies and haters in the Elite Community. Other Rats liked him as much as they liked a mosquito Buzz or a fresh stain on a new sofa or a pimple on nose on the wedding day. 
Finally fed up with his odd behavior, Lartata and Bartata, two of the most feared and respected Elite Attic Rats wrote a letter to the Captain mentioning the problems they have been having with BK, requesting Captain to either send him for a long training or a transfer to not so elite Box or Garage Rat community.
Here are the letters exchanged between forces and their Captain regarding the BK issue.
Dear Captain,
We do not know how to write this but what the hell Capt’, BK sucks big time.
-he is stupid
-he makes a lot of noise when he moves
-lies still and pretends to be dead and expects us to cry and mourn over the great loss
- spends half an hour every morning asking every lieutenant of the Forces if they think he is fat.
- he is slow, too slow, so slow that humans of this house have seen him, something which put a big question mark on our work ethics. Today humans have seen us, tomorrow we will be their pets!
- he is allergic to cheese( now what kind of rat is allergic to cheese, a STUPID rat who else!)
-he refused to go to the neighbouring attics three times in last week. He said and we quote “my inner voice tells me not to” 
-he can’t read or write and when asked to learn he said and we quote ” Now I ain’t made to serve words, words are meant to serve me, tell the words or whatever it is you want me to learn to learn me.”
-he saw his image in the mirror yesterday, went  straight to a bar and gulped down a whole bottle of dulcolax  cos some fool down told him that would make him look suave and has been pooping ever since in every part of the house, leaving a trail.
-loses temper when the humans move their furniture
-wears eye patch and plays pirate
-hates blue and green colours
-in the middle of a high risk invasion asks us if any girl is checking him out or not
 Sir we have tolerated him enough and any more of him would be setting a wrong precedence and example. We therefore request you to either sack him or send him to another team or a training or we will have no choice but to leave the force
Thanking you
Yours Faithfully/Sincerely/ Loving/Caring
ROEARF( rats of elite attic rat forces)
cool-cartoon-6509216
Divider Graphics
Dear all,
Blinkin’ Kalamiti, full name Blinkin’ Kalamiti ‘o’ Cheekay is my nephew
Yours Capt’
Divider Graphics
Dear Capt’
Dear sir we got it. We never had any problem with BK. He is a sweet kid with a sharp mind. Some of us just wanted to know more about him, that was all.
Yours Respectfully/Obediently serving/ Loyally yours
ROEARF( rats of elite attic rat forces)
Oh don’t we all know how lovely it is to have a Boss’s Relative as a co worker. Coming back to rats, the Elite Rats are now a days singing a new song to cope up with the disaster known as Blinkin’ Kalamiti !
The New guy is boss’s nephew
hola hola ho
so what if he ain’ gotta clue
hole hola ho
kiss his booty make him happy
or else the captain will be snappy
lets take him to drink and entertain
smile and laugh with that giant pain
hola hola ho
ÒÓÒÓ
(Do not copy I failed my Anger Management class)

Merino’s Bahh

Hello fellow Earthlings. How are you people doing, still pushing each other to get in the lift first or may be fighting for/over  some piece of land! Well good for you, keep up the fight because you are clearly going to live forever.
Me!! umm not so, cos I know I will be going back to my home planet  Zazaburra soon, where no one is born and no one dies, we are just a planet full of small Glow worms spreading light through our bums and singing the bumbum glee songs.
bumbum glee bumbum glee
my bum is twinkling
oh can’t you see
oh can’t you see
why can’t you see
I am a bumbum glee……oh such a beautiful song
More about me and the song in some other post,some other day when it is not raining so much and I can think clearly without having spiders, snakes and zombies taking refuge under my bed and making all kinds of noise.
For today’s post I would like all of you to meet Merino, my new pet cartoon sheep. Why Cartoon, do you ask?
Well for one I live in this huge small building and that I know is no place to raise a real Sheep and second I heard Merino is a blogger. Tell me friends, is there anything better than a cartoon sheep who blogs!!!
And I admit ( with sheepish grin) having a pet minus the feeding, cleaning after, sounded so heavenly when I adopted Merino.
 You see I am not a potted plant kind of person. I have tried many a times but failed miserably every time to keep the plants green and/or alive. And one of my friends who works at the Hilbilitoopoo state something asylum told me Meds, Straitjackets and the padded white rooms are keeping me from loving plants and hence I should not be keeping a pet. And yet I found a pet to pamper in this huge small building, isn’t it incredible!
Me and Merino
Back to Merino, as I told you earlier, he is a blogger.
He named his blog ‘The Bleating Log’
( Merino somehow got this idea that BLOG is short for Bleating Log and nothing I said could convince him otherwise)
Today I am sharing one of his poems, hope you like the poem and encourage Merino to write more :)
~Unraveling at seams~
I  had a bad dream last night
I dreamt that I was beautiful
crimped and elastic staples
lovely Kemp, beautiful fleece
and then came those nasty things
nasty things called human beings
they reared me
they sheared me
and took all my wool away
now I look weird
now I look weird
Those clothes, those sweaters
they are all me
they are all me
and I want discount from Macy’s
Unraveling at seems

Unraveling at seams

~thank you
Copyright 2013@BleatingLog
and before I leave you wondering about twinkling bums picturing me and the awesomeness that will be, let me tell you Merino is a huge fan of Stuart Art. There is nothing STU can’t do, says Merino and here is what Stu had to say about Merino’s poem-

The Bleating Log

Met a leaping dog

On his way to herd

‘Creak’ said the log

For it had no mouth

And the dog simply barked

Which meant ‘Merde!’

It was a French dog.

~Stuart Young~

Har Har Hyena

Every time a politician makes a speech, a hyena dies laughing
laughter is contagious, isn’t it? you see someone laughing loud or uncontrollably for some time, you will start laughing or smiling too. This is what laughter yoga is based on too!!
 They say a good hearty laughter is good for health , but I have seen people getting scared of my laughing avatar , which may be because when I laugh I look like a witch with sinister plans bubbling in the cauldron of my head. 
Can’t blame the scared ones, for 99% of times it is some mischief brewing up  or already taken shape, which makes me break into long hearty spells of laughter. Got to admit I laugh a lot, so when I post LOL in any of your blog posts, I am actually laughing at that time, hey I can multitask!
hyenas, now why would you ask about them, how strange!!!……..oh sorry I started it.
so why does a hyena laugh, well there can be many reasons behind it.
like how they are not affected by the unreal hike in prices of commodities or never ever have to buy a house…
Do you know that the word hyena is derived from a Greek work hyaina which means pig!
Did anyone ever ask the pigs how they felt about this whole issue? No.  And this is why Hyenas roll with laughter even more.
cool-cartoon-6455933
Then there is this whole origin confusion which is very hyena funny.
I mean at first no one knew what they were, including the hyenas. They had characteristics of the civet cat then they decided to be dog like then wolf like then cheetah like and now they are more of bear like..whoa this should have had the entire animal kingdom lolling for rest of the life time but i guess only crocodiles and hyenas found it funny and tortoise just hid it self into the shell.
cool-cartoon-6455945s
and if you don’t think these are reasons enough for a hyena to laugh wait till you know about their his and her thing!
The genitalia of male and female hyenas are strikingly similar in fact the other day a bull who couldn’t tell the difference ended up asking a male hyena for a date..
 The Male Hyena agreed and they are in a complicated relationship as per their Facebook status, but let’s keep it for another post.
I know why Female hyenas  laugh, they are bigger than the males and they have three times more testosterone, whooaaa super girls, yay
go FEMALE HYENAS :)
Hey who can tell me why do the giraffes have long neck?
I can I can
err you asked the question Monica
but I know the answer! It’s because when hyenas meet they greet each other with one leg up smelling each others private part which is very gross and this is the very reason why giraffes prayed to god for years to give them long neck and spare them all the ugliness….it is funny you know to meet like that…. yeah I am gross too. No I don’t smell people, I meant funny as in  ……never mind
Still worried that hyenas are not laughing for right reasons?
Did you know hyenas have the ability to digest the entire body of  their prey: bones, horns, hair, skin, even teeth. Zero wastage!! whoaa of course they have the last laugh and to help them ornate every occasion with laughter they have very big heart, literally, 10% of their body weight is heart so they can afford to have a real hearty laugh whenever they wish to!
cool-cartoon-6455959
And last but not the least even God wanted Hyenas to laugh.
don’t agree!
well the Hyena babies are born with teeth!
see I told ya, this proves two things, God wants Hyenas to laugh and second he loves crocodiles.
Of course there are people who would say hyenas don’t laugh because they think something is funny. Why You Sheldon Coopers!

Anyways it turns out the “laughing” is actually a noise they make when they are excited or frightened.  Nervous laughter, now don’t we all know about them…
My dear friends now that you know all you ever wanted to know about hyenas you must be happy and all set to laugh for laughter doesn’t need no reason or season and let’s admit it’s always fun to scare people with loud prolonged laughter.
Have a great day and do not forget to watch the video.
©2013 somkritya.wordpress.com
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