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Monthly Archives: November 2011

Dear Diary My Mom and Dad……

(why am i grounded??)

Dear Diary

A kid’s life is full of hardships and I don’t think mom and dad know much about kids.

As soon as I came home Mom asked me, “Did you fight with kids in your school?”

And I said,” yes mom they were teasing my friends, bunch of fools.”

“Fighting is not the way,” said mom, “next time report it to your teachers.”

“But mom,it’s not that easy,those kids won’t listen to a bunch of preachers!”

“What!” Said mom, “I don’t want to hear anymore, you will be grounded and punished till I am sure you are reformed.”

“What kind of punishment…and do you know punishments cause skin rashes, ulcers and fever”, I informed.

“No they don’t,” said mom, “you and manners live too far from each other let’s start building a bridge.”

“Here write down your favourite activity and next time you err,you won’t be allowed to do that for a week.” And then she stuck a paper on the fridge.

At least she won’t scold me next time I thought and wrote down an activity on the pad.

All she wants from me is to honour this pact, that I will, see I am not that bad!

Mom saw what I wrote and said, “You have to change the activity right now, there are duties one can’t shirk.

You have to write something you love and you cannot write homework.”

Fine I thought, but she gave me the choice then why can’t homework be on top of my favourite things to do?

Anyways I changed the activity, how to win mom’s approval! If only I had some cue,

A kid’s life is full of struggles; mom read and said no!

I love cleaning my room, oh! But what does mom know.

So I wrote down the next best thing which was on my mind

And to show mom that I really meant it I even signed

“This is it, your turns are over I gave you three chances to be honest, and this is what you do?”said mom who looked very angry, “if you can’t be honest in such a small task how will I ever trust you?”

“But mom,” I said, “I love eating vegetables, I really really really do!

When she never agrees to what I have to say, why give me choice?

Yours

Me the sad one

 

Dear diary

What a day, Nobody loves me I know the truth now

I discovered this horrible truth will tell you how.

Me: Mom I think I better stop going to the school

I want to stay at home and help you and studies cause brain damage

Mom: Oh dear thanks, but I think education makes you look cool and brain damage I think you will manage

Me: Dad, do you want me to stop studying and work for you I think I am ready for the job, let’s talk about my pay

Dad: Really, great, that’s the deal then. The moment you have the required degree to help me out your schooling stops, what do you say?

Me: hey Uncle Mat, I heard you need a gardener, I love gardening, it’s so much fun, and I am ready to leave the school for it, please talk to dad

Uncle Mat: I have been looking for someone, I wish I could but you are only seven, I have to let go of such a good offer, it’s just so sad.

No one wants me, I have to find out why, saw a movie in which the parents were alien?

I have to find out their planet I think I will talk to Jim and Adwen

Yours

The budding detective

 

copyright2011@somkritya

How to survive The Blaberibloohahaians without being stupid

Another night another adventure. I only have to look under my bed( sometimes not even that). Trust me it has more crowd,action and life than the Vegas.
Some days its funny and enjoyable, specially when its scorching hot or freezing cold.
Thats the time when demons and witches hibernate but for the rest of the year its weird and creepy.
I have come to believe these wretched creatures are relatives of bugs and cockroaches.
Well their timing matches and so does the way they irritate us.
So here in the dead of night I wake up all sweaty and thirsty, was having a nightmare scary enough to give vampires some goosebumps .And as soon as I step down I am pulled down under the bed in that world and I am hoping this time escape will be easy.
First thing I hear are drum beats and then I see some blurred figures dancing around,what looked like a huge pot on fire.
is it? No it cant be! can I be in..no come on, no!
Oh man when you dread something and pray using the exact words “please god don’t let it be” just the opposite happens( 90% of the time)
“Hellooooo what do we have here”, I hear a deep baritone.
No its not your favourite star .
The man with that scary( sexy if he was not going to eat me ) voice is Chief Kankanchikua of the Blaberibloohaha tribe
They are/were not cannibals but the Chief lost in poker to a distant cannibal cousin and now for a day they have to feed on humans.
yes I am that lucky !
first for them first for me( remind me to remember being first is not always good)
Now cannibals wont wait before digging in but these guys thought of being creative,have been watching Master chef so someone yells we want good stuffing.
And the head cook literally starts shoving carrots,shallots,garlic,ginger,olive oil,sun dried tomatoes in my mouth…the usual stuffing. They wanted my stomach to be tasty.
In a dish they all taste good but when you are food nothing tastes good.
And raw ginger,garlic shallots were never considered snacks.
It must have been the effect of all the stuffing, drumming and what can also be called as a classic “when the stupid strikes” that I twinkled more than any star and told these tribal JUST ABOUT TO BE  cannibals..”hey legs and hand pieces will be dry how will you stuff them”
what the @#$% … did I just suggest a bunch of would  be cannibals how to stuff me??
The drumming stops and the tribal’s exchange troubled looks ,after all not every day your would be food suggests you recipes.
I tell myself- if you are done with being stupid use brain,this would be good time to use some . Even a milligram of grey cell used wisely will save your ass which needs some serious rescue operation.
And I say hey I hope you all have taken shots cos I have a disease which can pretty much wipe out your tribe.
They get all curious so I continue with whatever I could think of  and I tell them I was diagnosed with-
sinocervilumbarvertibralfemuraloccular dystrophy
Hey that can easily be a disease, and by the name of it any person diagnosed with it should be dead by now.
They want more so I tell them it strikes anytime and the patient starts “clutter walking” and chanting some ancient evil curse.
Clutter walking(verb) when your house is a Himalaya of mess and you walk as fast as you can trying not to step on the things lying around.
Try it you will know what I meant but you have to be really messy to get the effect.
And then I show them what to expect and blurt out what ever comes to my mind.
 
I stop take a deep breath and open my eyes hoping God still likes me
Hey where are the people?
My guess, every body just ran away except for the head cook who was so scared that he just could not move
I run faster than Bolt,reach the portal, enter the  password( yes there is one) for re-entry into this world and climb up my bed, snuggle in the comforts of blankets and stay awake rest of the night thinking about my next Facebook statuses and twitter updates.
You can’t stop working just cos you had a bad night. Yeah I am a fighter.
That night I learned a lot of things-
1) keep water by bed side
2) never step down without switching the lights on
3) when people are going to eat you, don’t suggest them stuffing’s.
4) stupidity kills even in dreams
5) people( even tribes living in some remote island) are scared of nonsense
6) imagination rocks
( This piece of information is extremely valuable as the name of the disease mentioned and the evil mantra clearly scares the bekikus out of the Blaberibloohahaians. Please do not use it on your friends just for fun, it may cause rashes,nausea,headache,blurred vision and fast heart beat)

Stories from under the bed

Under my bed breathes a world,
full of witches flying,
devils plotting,
angels saving lives
castles and creepy manors
and their vibrant walls
strange lands of hope and stories call my name.
every night after I switch off the lights
this land of unheard voices comes alive
and their songs, screams, war cries
and lullabies makes my night so full of life.
all this and much much more is in the world
that breathes under my bed.
look under your bed tonight
may be there are some stories
lying around under your bed too
the half finished stories are more eager to
meet you and see how you write their end
pick them up and enjoy the dream journey with them
Darkness is a lot of fun you know
they want to be your friends too
yes there are things hiding in the dark
but doesn’t light hide a lot of secrets too
so don’t forget every night
once the lights are off
under the bed
psst …
{Once in this land ask for the girl in the red cage
yes the one who asked for more
and was caught sneaking in the chief’s hut
first they told her it was a game
and they wanted to see
how fast she can get in the cage
yes that’s me
can you open the cage please
it was kinda fun in the beginning
but I don’t think they are playing anymore
specially since they have told me
they are hungry
and I look spicy and yummy enough}

Murder In The Valley

There has been  a murder in the valley, in a hotel next to the gym on the 12th alley.

But  the people are super excited, for one, something happened in their otherwise  boring little place,

plus who wouldn’t like to see some live action, hunt and  chase.

As for the police, they have promised a fast action and not let  the case go cold,

a stance which has been applauded by one and all who had never  seen them so brave and bold.

A budding actor, a builder, a small  restaurant owner and all those who thought a little exposure could do wonder,

their time has come and they can shine if they tread cautiously and don’t  blunder.

In a bid to appear generous, the mayor offered money and house  to the family members of the deceased and for that he has been praised,

but that  no one has come forward so far to claim it has caused a lot of confusion and a  lot of eyebrows raised.

(Some important questions- where is the body,  where are the family members of the deceased?

And who is this Jon doe and why  has his profile not been released?)
The media has arrived and now will begin  the real show, let’s see how the interviews and investigations  go.

Reporter 1: As you can see we have arrived in this small valley where  the high profile murder has been committed.
We will be providing a live  coverage, asking all the right questions and see to it that nothing gets  omitted.

Reporter 2: Good evening everyone, we are here standing inside  the hotel where the unfortunate incident took place,
Any time now the press  conference will start and the police will update us with the new developments in  the case.

Reporter 1: Hello sir, please tell our viewers what you do and  what you know about this case?
Man: Well I am a model and an actor, surely  you recognise my face!
Reporter 1: Sorry to interfere but let’s please focus  on the murder.
Man: Yes sure, I knew the deceased very well and was close to  him and the way he was killed just makes me shudder.
Reporter 1: Really! How  was he killed?
Man: I wish I could tell you more, but the case is under  investigation so will just tell you, it had been done by someone very  skilled.

Reporter 1: The breaking news, someone very skilled has murdered  a man brutally.
And now we will talk to a man in the CSI team and try and  understand the case forensically.

Reporter 1: Yes sir where do you work  and what information can you give at this point.
CSI Man: Well I work part  time with the police here and do forensics related job and all we can tell at  this point, looking at the foot prints found, is that someone in that room had a  problem in his left foot joint.

Reporter 1: The breaking news, we just  got the information which takes us closer to the killer,
We now have a  skilled maniac with what looks like a limp in his left foot in this  thriller.

Reporter 1: Let’s now interview the chamber maid of the hotel  who was apparently the first one on the crime scene.
Miss Urmakup Izmine, we  already know what you told the police, but can you tell us a bit more about what  you have seen?
Miss Urmakup Izmine: Well what can I say; it was just another day  when I started,
But when no one opened the room, even after several knocks I  force opened the room of the departed.
Oh what a horrible scene, have never  seen anything like that in my entire career,
All I can reveal is there was a  lot of blood, half eaten burgers, French fries and lot of empty cans of  beer.

Reporter 1: The breaking news, you all will be shocked with the  information we have here,
The killer was skilled, limping in his left foot  and big fan of burgers, fries and beer.

Reporter 1: We now have the  bellboy, Mr Gimme Tip; yes tell us what happened that night?
Mr Gimme Tip: I wish  I could tell you madam but there were these kids in the lobby who caused a lot  of commotion and a fight.

Reporter 1: The breaking news, there was a huge  commotion the same night caused by some kids who fought like hell, and whether  this fight led to the murder or not only time will tell.

Reporter 1: We  now have with us Mr Crackinwall Glu
He is a builder and says he has some  valuable piece of information too!
Mr Crackinwall Glu: Yes I have this building,  unoccupied and ready to move in, right in front of the hotel, with a small road  in between,
And had people listened to me and been living in that building  they would have got unrestricted view of the valley and of the crime  scene.

Reporter 1: (puzzled)
Let’s now move on to the next person who  owns a restaurant in the outskirts of the valley, yes sir you wanted to say  something,
Owner of the restaurant: Why yes Mam, this restaurant was built  by my grandfather, we serve almost everything and the view from there is very  soul soothing

Reporter 1: (another silent/puzzled moment)
Ok there is  this lady, who for last hour or so has been screaming for some  attention
Lady: Yes, I am a school teacher and want to report about some  mischievous kids who have run away to avoid punishment and  detention.
Reporter 1: Mam you do understand this has nothing to do with the  case?
Lady: I don’t know that, I just want the kids back to their  base.

Reporter 1: (sighs) I think people here have nothing more to  contribute
Let’s go to Reporter 2 and find out about the press conference and  if the police and the forensics have solved the case or got someone to  impute

Reporter 2: Yes the conference is over and I suggest we better  pack our bags and leave!
Reporter 1: why what happened? And why do you sound  so peeved!

Reporter 2: listen we are already on our way to get you, it’s  a long journey back and we will get enough time to catch up,
All that I can  say for now it’s a silly case involving some kids on run, a hotel room, burger,  fries, beer and lots of ketchup.

(Think you pretty much got the gist and  what must have happened, quite disappointing isn’t it with so much drama and no  one dead!
The builder sold his one and only property at a cheap  price.
The budding actor who had claimed to have known the ‘deceased’ was  butt of all jokes for a very long time, but got offers in many reality TV  shows.
The restaurant and the hotel did get some visitors curious to know  more about the case.
As for the reporters they claimed they knew everything  from the beginning and all this was aired just for fun!
The kids returned  and their parents apologised to the people and paid the hotel for all the damage  their kids had caused,
And Oh yes the forensics’ guy was right, one of the  kids was limping in his left foot, got hurt when he was in the hotel and got  involved in the fight)

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