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Pearls of wisdom;Rea​d now and save 399999$

In the beginning there were useless fat brown people who could not speak in English…
And God said OMG ….
And hundred thousand years and ice age later there was tv teleshopping….

                     Year-2011

{Does your mirror crack every time you stand in front of it?
Is your spouse not looking at you anymore
Has you boss demoted you the hundredth time
Does the garbage man dump every garbage bag in 100 mile radius at your doorstep every day
Is you cat and dog trying to kill ya
Have your neighbours built bunkers and special signals to avoid you}
                                    
If you are sad depressed and nodding to the points mentioned above….Oh Dearies I so get you all…..read my post and see how to change fortune and future
People all over the world face problems of all sorts but there are some burning issues which only the Indians have to deal with. As they say every nation has their own set of demons…
There are a hundred things that are not going in right direction but today I am going to address the three main problems every Indian faces in their every day life…
1) Colour of the skin-brown is not a good skin colour at least not for Indian women.Every one wants a fair bride( and that’s what every woman’s aspirations should be……
->to be fair as much as possible and
->get married as soon as possible.
women spend fortune trying out creams and bleaches just to look fair…)
{recently I have been hugged and thanked all cos I called a woman pale and white..which she was due to exhaustion and fever but I guess she was fine the moment  I told  her she looked white!!}
 2) Not knowing English– and it’s not about just knowing another language.. I am talking about the whole package deal( the best thing you need not have any other skill..or knowledge of your job)
3) Evil spells-how to ward off the spells cast by evil eyes( hey if you are fair and know English of course people will cast spells on you…isn’t that a normal thing to do???)
I have not been able to sleep for ages trying to solve, find out a way to help fellow country men and women.
Thursday night after spending most part of it desperately trying to get some sleep, finally gave up and decided to watch some television instead. I think it was 3:30am or so and much to my chagrin every channel had some telemarketing stuff going on. After trying to get something decent finally gave up and settled for well you know what…T.M
And GUYS it changed my world…what news views and stupid movies and Nat Geo’s I have been watching till now????
God how did I ever miss these angels on TM!! Any ways I have to share some pearls of wisdom with you guys who are living in the world of Re-runs of Friends, C.S.I’s, Prime time news, Soccer..

First things first…if you do not know English you are nothing but a complete failure, a useless piece of huge living breathing mass of D.N.A. and the chances are animals and birds will refuse to be your pet..so what do you do???
Ever heard of the gift to mankind called ENGLISH GURU…………………. Ha, I knew it  u guys haven’t …anyways after careful research some guys have come up with an easy economical way to learn English which will transform men into HUNKS, getting all the promotions, attentions, job securities like never before and in no time ya’ll will be  “The Boss!
so you not only learn to think,talk,walk,laugh and sleep in english but you also become James Bond!!
But English guru is not just for men,

young college going girls can  also benefit,….. well not as much as men of course.. You know men are men and girls……… well to get them married whatever helps!!
ENGLISH GURU-LADIES STAY AWAY
Am sorry but  English guru is not for ladies cos your job is to cook and look good (will tell you how)and make your husband, in-laws and children happy.
OK now Ladies, darlings you have variety of products starting from super sauna belt and vibrating belt which will get you in shape in no time to creams which will get you a flat stomach and take care your thunder thighs all while you are cooking day and night like a maniac  ………………….Why go for all this trouble!!!
SO that your husband takes notice of you….you fools!!!! that’s the reason why we all get married-pati ki sewa and his charan vandana.( translation—- to worship our husbands and treat them as gods)
 Now how to converse in English since English guru is out-of-bounds for you and even if your husband does take notice of your sudden fair aura  he ain’t taking you out without proper madam style english…. Fear not ma darlings -batata sky active English for your rescue:-)
Moral of the story If your husband ain’t taking you to the party then there are two reasons
a) you ain’t fair and slim like TM people want you to be,
b) your English sucks so let batata sky help you poor things
You have to thank the TM guys they just know what a woman wants and needs… you get pearl and gold extracts for you face to look gora like firangis  in just two weeks!!!
And their waxing cream transforms the beary you into silky cream smooth skinny you and all this while you are laughing your ass off( I don’t know but when you wax using T.M creams and strips something in it makes you grin and laugh)
[AND guys go for some other fairness cream cos all you get from telemarketing is English-speaking course which should be enough for you.
What more can the world want from you???]
Friends all the creams and solutions are straight from the Amazing Amazon… In fact  every Indian should just buy a house next to or in front of the Great Amazon
and what ever come out of the jungle….they should just  eat it or use it on body as pack or wax or…well don’t let it go. Straight from the nature you see ….
Achcha now that all of you have become all English-speaking dudes with gora slim wives or girlfriends now what???
 Make friends and invite them… Watch TV with them (suggestion from YOURS OWN …..TM) and because now the new improved you has a bonny ass, you need  inflatable sofa cum bed from , you got it TM, So that it doest hurt you bum..
What next..oh yes food,- well make salsa, dips, chutneys; pizza toppings from their multipurpose grinder…( all while wearing slimming belts and grinning..a bright fair future awaits you)
Hey told you they are the brainy lots so now that all of you are exactly how you are meant to be- all whiter than the zombies English-speaking with lots of friends hanging out at your place all the time; you are bound to get sick ….no not because of excessive partying but evils spells cast on you..yes more successful you are more spells will be cast on you!:-(
what do you do?
VOILAAAAAAAAAAAAAA………THE DAZALA EVIL EYE PENDANT You guys!!! Arey baba why worry when you have TM.. With this pendant you will not only ward off any untoward incident like buri nazar stuff but resemble a smiley emoticon forever.

           you                               your evil neighbour

Hmm lets see how much your life has changed till now
a) You are James Bond
b) Your wife is Angelina Jolie in Sari cooks all the time and keeps grinning but speaks only when asked
c) You are getting promotions almost everyday
d) Your family, Friends,neighbours envy you and cast evil spells but you not only have a world-class protection but also successfully return back the spell with interest to the envious evil one.
Impressive haan..so kids what  did we all learn. today…
Cats scratching, dog biting, crows attacking, neighbours spitting or looking at you with fake smiles and evil eyes, jealous boss, nagging and taunting spouse……..a life full of misery and tamasha
Worry not dear watch the amazing world of telemarketing the one stop solution for every thing.
 Chalo baba my work here is done. Thank me when you get results till then bye.
 Am going property hunting….Amazon of course
Wish you all a Happy fair/white English-speaking rocking life…

About Soma Mukherjee

I often say things that put me in a jam, Jams go well with Buttered Toasts, Toasts are great hosts, Ghosts not so much, Although they can dance, Not all dancers are serial killers, Serial killers do not use Body bags that often, body bags aren't leak proof, Proof is in the Pudding.

9 responses »

  1. It is not money that I really worry about
    But my dark skin and my language I doubt
    it doesn’t help that I am little stout
    and those evil eyes that scares me from stepping out
    what is 399999$, if all the above I can wipe out.

    Soma, verrry funny. BTW, the fact that you are watching TV at 3.30 am makes it very clear that you need the ‘evil eye’ pendant. 🙂

    Reply
  2. Though not visited TM site, I learnt a lot not only to improve my looks but also to match the famous JABALPURIAN saying —–THAY ENGLISH, THAY ENGLISH .

    Reply
  3. I have to admit, my cat plots to kill me regardless of anything else. Unless it’s saturday morning when he gets a tin of wet cat food instead of the usual dry mix.

    Quite an invigorating rant addressing cultural issues. I got the sense of insomnia, mania and hyper-active thoughts. Speaking as an outsider to your culture I never knew about the fair skin prejudice. So a learning moment as well!

    p.s. Don’t believe the hype, 99% of the time its a bunch of crap anyway.

    Reply
    • Steve TM people are real dudes.the ads are damn funny..specially the reason they give for selling products…i could not help but share..and yes people are obsessed with having white skin..will do anything to become even a bit fairer…
      thanks 🙂
      you need cat protection my friend lemme check if TM people have something for ya 🙂

      Reply
  4. I have become a fan of TM,thanks to you.Very funny and what a visual treat.

    Reply

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