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A Dinner never Lies

I used to love reading and watching movies. my favourite genres were thrillers and horror. yes i had a dark side and every now and then i used to let it out and pamper its wants and then hide it behind this sweet romantic exterior.
But that was Yesterday,Today i am minutes away from being someones dinner and the table tells me its going to be quick and painless.
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
They say if you watch horror movie once in a while
you will have nightmares full of gore and vile
but if ever you cross that 500 movie limit
devil himself will pay you a visit
Devils look or form you will never know
he may come as a thing,a person or a cow or a crow
and if this happens to be on friday the first
you will be on his menu quenching his thirst
~a very drunk man
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Yesterday
And i woke up to the shrill sound of kettle..
it took me a while to realise i hadn’t put anything on the stove.
what if there has been an intruder,of course what else can it be?
boy some gutsy fella making tea for himself like this.should i call police or surprise that fellow with the base-ball bat near….
i sat up and saw the Television still on and  a psycho, killing people while the kettle screams for attention…..ugh so there hasn’t been any intruder
and then came a voice from  the television,”so are you going to switch me off or do i re -incarnate as a human to do that”
“excuse me!” i said and realised i was talking to TV
“yeah like she will, come on get up you lazy bum”, said the sofa i was sitting on
..and i jumped up away from it..what the,…are these things talking NOW
“look at her expressions”, said the wall clock,”Hey Miss you have been watching horror movies back to back for last one week and this is shocking?”
“well now that you are up will you please clean me dry,said the vase,”cos these flowers have been inside me for past one week and now i look like hugging a dead body”
“well at least she uses you”, complained the ashtray,”i was picked up after heavy bargaining and not only she doesn’t smoke she doesn’t care to clean the dust off me.”
i was not over the shock yet but was able to breathe and move and i decided to go to the kitchen and ……..well maybe have some water and gather some sense of whatever i witnessed just now.
may be splashing my face with ice water will wake me up from this nightmare i am having
But as soon as i entered the kitchen the sink said “well hello! look who decided to pay us a visit, if it isn’t her Highness herself…to what do we owe such an honour mam”
i was stunned at the rude behaviour of the sink but before i could say anything or react further, it said “see the dishes here ,yeah the brown yellow ones,they were still white when you put them here and unless you are trying to see how long it takes for a dish to change colour kindly do wash them.i am done carrying so much weight and would love to breathe some fresh air.”
Oh there was so sarcasm in the air inside the house…
this cant be happening..what is this..am i dreaming,what kind of nightmare is this…
just then the fridge said,”she doesn’t seem well, what happened darling want some juice .”
“use me my expiry date is tomorrow!”, screamed the yogurt,
“hey me first”‘ said the pear ,
“guys chill she can’t eat everything.Miss if you ain’t gonna eat me kindly throw me in the garbage so that some poor guy can”, said the half eaten pizza from 3 days back.
i ran to the bedroom to change dress and go out for some fresh air when one of my black dresses said,” yeah use me you devil..abuse my body as much as you can but you can’t touch my soul..my soul fled the day it saw who was going to wear me.”
“tell me that”said the weighing scale
“hey i look gorgeous when i wear you “i told the dress ,”and i have lost oodles”
“OMG, said the mirror,”guys she really believes it”
I had tolerated enough and i had to get out so i decided to leave house in my pyjamas but as soon as i went out the hose pipe in the garden said,”err miss i don’t think you are ever going to use me, can you keep me in the garage, it gets dusty out here in summer”
Garbage can shouted hey miss,
the garage,the road,the toad,
the car,the tree from near and far
the birds flying up ,the snakes slithering down
the rats,the cats,the bats,the flying hats
they all spoke and shouted and screamed
no this can’t be i must be trapped in some bad dream
help me someone i cried and i ran
i ran and i ran and i ran
I ran and didn’t stop till i saw some familiar faces
and told them everything i just heard and Saw,they didnt look amused or shocked at all!
Mrs A advised cucumber juice
Mrs B said yoga
Mrs C told me to try looking up-side down
Mrs D suggested homeopathy
Mrs E shook her head and said i was too thin
please i begged tell me something which you know for sure will work,i am in deep trouble
Mrs F sneered and said well excuse us dear if you think your problems are big wait till you hear mine
“look at the bright side, you are still alive,arent you”, said a lamp post near by and smiled and that was when something hit my head and i blacked out…..

Artist-Sarbajeet Mukherjee

About Soma Mukherjee

I often say things that put me in a jam, Jams go well with Buttered Toasts, Toasts are great hosts, Ghosts not so much, Although they can dance, Not all dancers are serial killers, Serial killers do not use Body bags that often, body bags aren't leak proof, Proof is in the Pudding.

72 responses »

  1. Soma, you are almost more talkative than I am! And you have yet to meet any object or entity on earth that you cannot converse with, have you? Love, love,l love this post! (This is SO me when waking from a weird dream that has displaced my psyche altogether!)

    Reply
    • ha ha ha oh i am one of the most talkative person i can assure you..
      you know you guys are so incredibely generous humouring me in all my silly posts..i just love all my friends here..
      and you are right there isnt anything i can’t converse with 😆
      Thank you so much Rose 🙂

      Reply
  2. I love horror movies. I hope the 500 limit is wrong – I must be past that by now…

    Reply
  3. I don’t know how I missed this! So funny, horror films cause this? Gad I hope not, I love nothing more than a great old horror film (not so much the new ones all gore and nothing else). This was brilliant!

    Reply
    • 😆 Val what would i do without the horror movies,absolutely love them,i am sure i have seen every horror movie ever released,even the ones in french or some other language thwith or without subtitles 😆

      Reply
  4. Terrible… You made my laugh! How imaginative! I had a nightmare four weeks ago, jumped out of bed and stumbled into the tv. My black eye is just now healing….but for a long time other women would look at me in the store like…oh he beats huh!! It was hilarious. 🙂

    Reply
  5. You are what you eat! Although, I’m not sure if you can eat crazy…but I like it! 🙂

    Reply
  6. You do have an overactive imagination 🙂 And you are a magpie just like my daughter! I on the other hand ruthlessly discard anything I haven’t used in a year!! Doesn’t matter if I need it as soon as I have junked it…

    Reply
  7. You have a great mind, Soma. We think alike in so much. I watch films, read stories, books, and yet, had never thought of this one!
    Scott

    Reply
  8. Another fabulous post, Soma!

    Reply
  9. silentfingers

    Seriously Soma! Whatever hit you on the head is the only sensible thing around you! Lol… Btw those black dresses — glad we aren’t married to them. Imagine our spouses finding out what really lurks beneath them! 😉
    Enjoyed reading this. You go girl!!!

    Reply
  10. Soma ciągle mnie zaskakujesz czyś nowym,tekst świetny,zabawny,a dzieło twojego męża -gratuluję…..the big smile for your family….
    😉

    Reply
  11. After going through your imaginative horror creation in collaboration with your art director husband,Mr Sarbajeet, we realy got panicky with all inanimate object around us with feeling of utter helplessness .. An enjoyable horrible experience in our life.

    Reply
  12. R u serious, on that 500 mark, I have not left a single horror movie that i have not seen. OH MY GOD .. i am sure to have corssed the 500 mark.. BUT then I think its only for Indian horror movies .. you are fine with the english one’s .. the gods ignore that ..
    its because we have so many gods in india they get angry thats why devil comes .. I am ok then cause I have not watched that many indian horror movies

    phewwwwwwwwwwww I am safe then 🙂

    poor kitchen-pear – youghart wanting her highness’s attention .. why do you think its scary 🙂 he he he he

    made me smile as you can seee 🙂 nice one Mam 🙂

    Reply
    • OMG what a relief you are safe Bikram..yay
      hey you are right but i dont watch indian horror movies. Ramsay brothers made so many crappy ones that i lost interest in the indian horror ones…
      We have protection of hundred gods..fear not plus Nirmal baba is always there
      jai ho

      Reply
  13. … and smart and wise and really epic!

    Mrs A advised cucumber juice
    Mrs B said yoga
    Mrs C , D, E and F said something else,
    Mr F – me – says: this has nothing to do with the horror films, it is an opening of the third eye! I knew Mata Soma was a true guru!

    Anyway, I never watch horror movies but things seem to naturally talk to me also when I am not too busy talking to my own mind! I know the feeling of how weird that is but when I leave here to go abroad, I often spontaneously – really without any preplanning – say good bye to all the objects in the house – the little buddha on the shelve, the wooden table or the cactuses in their pot. It is my way of making sure I leave a good feeling behind and they call me back! I like it in a way and I like to play with the idea that everything is alive and has a story to tell,a sensitivity and a bit of consciousness in it. Imagine what would happen if kettles, frozen pizzas and flower pots were starting to write blogs! That would tell us something about ourselves right?

    Reminds me of another story you wrote and I didn’t take the time to ‘like’ or comment but that I loved – the story of Chunna Lal’s clock!
    waiting for the next post.
    f

    Reply
    • OMG you are just like me,i get attatched to every thing and whenever i have to change house i feel so bad for it and i do go and kind of hug each room as a final goodbye..
      and of course talkning to one self…..but i just love being me..its what makes our life interesting too
      i loved the very idea that you have this bond with everything you own..how beautiful to have that feeling that so many things will be waiting for you..never alone wow

      hey what a great thought if everything around us started writing blog,my god i will get some hate mails 😆
      Thanks Federick

      Reply
  14. Hahahahaa! The horror of housework and all that animated chatter with the inanimate things that surround us! Loved it, 😀

    Reply
    • Shabnam i had to these crazy thoughts were jumping in my mind pleading me to write about the objects and how and what they would say if they had the power
      thanks

      Reply
      • In that respect i’m very much like you, except you find a way to write about it like a storyteller whereas I traumatize my husband by telling him the gory stuff loud and clear, in a fit of rage 😀 This is awesome!

        Reply
        • Oh Shabnam that is so beautiful,its like meeting my soul twin..we should always keep our husbands traumatised with all the gory bloody stories…you are an inspiration

          Reply
  15. wow, you keep surprising us soma, dont you! 🙂

    Reply
  16. Hi sweetie!! I nominated you for this award: http://terri0729.wordpress.com/2012/06/01/sisterhood-of-the-world-bloggers-award/
    you deserve it!!!!! mega hugs, Terri

    Reply
  17. My dear Soma, first let me confess that I thoroughly enjoyed your post ( though I don’t watch horror movies) .With your funny, imaginative,enjoyable writing you wickedly tempts me to visit that world sometime, God save me. At last Sarbajeet has joined you in the pretext of illustration. Convey my congrats to the artist – S.M.

    Reply
  18. You’re one creative gal, Soma dear. Thoroughly enjoyed this post. I’m into all sorts of thrillers including horror but steer clear of overtly romantic stuff. Lately, I enjoy comedy…see it all the time in politics 🙂

    Reply
    • oh I too do not like too much of romance in anything..horrors are thrillers are so much more interesting,love comedy too
      Eric you are so right politicians are great comedians and have such perfect timing
      specially the parliamentary proceedings..what fun

      Reply
  19. this just reinforces why I don’t watch horror… truly, lady, a great write. Your versatility is fabulous! I do love to anthropomorphize animals and objects..glad you, too ~

    Reply
    • lol Angela you should watch at least one, with less horror in it and more of a thriller..
      I love to think and write about about how a particular object or animal will react verbally if it could…how interesting our world would be then and how cautious we would be in any time of the day

      Reply
  20. Soma, I just loved the fun and creativity in this; you are a hoot! However, I have to admit that horror is not my fave genre, but it’s my hubby’s! Can you believe that? He’s always loved horror and fantasy and I’ve seen them all when I was younger. Now, being older, I feel the news is horror enough! lol Anyway, romance and comedy are my faves, but it’s okay, enjoy your horror; I love you anyway! Hee,hee! Wonderful post and writing! Horrifying hugs sent your way! 🙂 xo

    Reply
    • Thank you so much for loving me inspite of my horror addiction 😆
      but you are surrounded by people who love horror…oh i do love romance and comedy but given a choice Horror will win here…
      Hey Lauren guess what my hubby doesn’t like Horror at all..can you believe that? shocking right? if only i had known that before we got married,no wonder Ghosts dont visit me
      but you are so right news today are way more scary than any movie ever made 🙂
      hugs 🙂

      Reply
  21. This is like Beauty and the Beast only the furniture is full of itself! Loved it!

    Reply
  22. Soma! You are so amazing and gifted. I love it! Each time you post I can hardly wait for the next one. You always surprise me!
    Love ya! xo

    Reply
  23. Silly woman. All those things had something to say, didn’t they. No wonder you blacked out. I would have loved having you for a mom when I was a little girl. So fun, creative, free, and YOU! LOVE button. Hugs ~ Sam 🙂

    Reply
    • you are the cutest..no got to change that after that post..some people change after getting a tan and they write about some kind of awakening 😯
      oh god forgive me for what i read at Sam’s 😆
      love ya babe 🙂

      Reply
  24. Soma!!! wow…i’m such a horror fan and even with that, i loved the last bit of this…so out of control and funny:)))))

    Reply
  25. I SO UNDERSTAND YOU …….
    I CAN ALMOST IMAGINE YOU WRITING THIS …..
    FEELING IT ALL ….
    YOU ARE GENIUS SOMA ………
    THAT INNER KID ———– SHE IS PERMANENT IN YOU ….
    KUDOS BABY
    NEVER LET HER GO XOXOXOXOXO
    LOVE YOU XO

    Reply
  26. Soma you are wonderfully zany. continue…

    Reply
  27. Owww it looks as “Le Drake Noir” has big troubles – when I was kid I just love Alfred Hitchcock both films and books – and didn’t have nightmares at all and had bats as pets in my attic room as boy – so did my mother not often controlled cleanup – it’s called bonuseffect… 😉

    So I’m clearly quite comfortable with you, my dear… ‘big smile’

    Reply
  28. Creative people have a crazy streak in them and it is ok to be creative and crazy. Enjoyed reading this too 😉

    Reply
  29. OMG Soma but Autumn and Stuart just called you crazy with love! 😉 I simply loved this whole business of talking appliances, objects and even a dress. 🙂 This post was filled with much imagination and fun…But we are definitely going to have to have a talk about all these horror movies and set you a limit! 😉 🙂 Hugs

    Reply
    • Ha ha ha i know they were teasing me Gabby…infact after reading this post Sarbajeet ( my hubby) told me i have broken all my previous records of weird posts 😆
      omg set limit nooooooo
      well its time some one stopped me,i am such a horror movie addict i have withdrawal symptoms when i don’t get to see them 😯
      Help me Gabby helpppppppp

      Reply
  30. Well done. Great fun. It seems to play on the disorientation a person might feel after waking up on the couch after a marathon of scary movies and too much junk food. Staggering around conversing with various bits of home furnishings. I can relate. I’ve had instances at 3:45am like that. Thankfully the eggs and carrots kept the law and order in the fridge.

    Reply
    • Oh yes Stevens and then the people around who seem to have a solution for everything,no matter how weird your problem somewill suggest some medicine and for some they will always have an upper hand when its comes to suffering….

      Reply
  31. OMG, this is just fun, with a scary touch. I now remember you like the TV show Dexter! So does my daughter, that show is soooooooooooo scary to me 🙂 for real you two are brave! I gotta agree with Stuart, you’re a crazy kinda girl, Soma 😉 it’s why we love you so much.

    Reply
  32. You’re a crazy kinda girl Soma. 🙂

    Reply

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