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Cultnama 2013- Make your own Multigrain Cult in eight simple steps

There are two ways of living a life, either start a cult or join one.

Other day lying on my bed something hit me hard.   No,it was not the book stand or the ceiling fan this time . It was a thought and ever since I have been wanting to share it with you. Look around you,  all the chaos, the confusions, never ending cycle of rage…what do you think the world needs the most right now, something which will change the face of the earth forever, something which we are already doing but not enough…….oh yes you guessed it right.
This world needs New cults, super secretive, hood wearing, mind controlling, alien worshipping kinds…and more the merrier
Admit it,  there is nothing more you would like than founding your own cult. so what is stopping you!!!
funds, ideas, sprained ankles, guts…?
2978382590_normal-1
 I am dedicating this post to all of you gutless people who are trapped in the cycle of ifs and buts.
without much ado lets begin the do’s and dont’s in setting up a cult. you are just 8 steps away from founding your own cult.
1) What
Yeah first thing is what is a cult. Well guys Cult is CUL+T
WHAT IS CULT
2)WHY WHY
There has to be a reason for everything and more than anyone else you got to know about it. Cos like it or not you will have to give at least one speech/sermon to your club Cult members describing hows and whys. Here is what you need to know( convince yourself of)
We need cult because-
1) Some one ate all the frogs
2) to revive the forgotten art of cussing
3) The end of the world came and went with out causing even a dent
ALSO
4) Tomato seeds are aliens hiding and waiting for signal to destroy us
5) Papaya’s are installed in our planet to end our species
6) It’s not what a cat does but what it thinks it is doing that is dangerous.
tomatoes
3) NAME GAME
A Cult is not a Club or Spa. however unbelievable that sounds, cults are different genres of entertainment and first thing you need is a proper name. you can’t gather fan following with names like yoosukz or merulz. find some serious names like Solanumlycopersicumus or Sildenafilcitrateuns
EGG WHITE
4) DRESS CODE
you can’t let people wear jeans saris etc and expect them to take it seriously, plus it may look like an world peace blah blah and not cult. Dress code sets up the tone of a cult. contact a designer or design a robe with a logo on the hood. and Remember a Cult is nothing if not about dividing people into classes,yes we don’t have those enough too.  so although the design will be same reserve rich colours like royal blue or Rich Red for your elite members. This is what will encourage not so rich members wearing brown robe to earn more to get into elite class.
???????????????????
5) WHERE THERE IS CULT THERE IS #$%
This is important as every cult has some rules, some codes  which members have to follow in their everyday life. these set of rules will make them different from common people  around them. Also these should be activities which will make others inquisitive and interested in joining the cult.
eg we do not eat okra ice creams OR wear eggshells on Sundays OR Bunga Bunga Fridays…
funny-office-employee-dress-up-indiawe
6) MONEY TALKS
 Yes sir this is no social service. you got to have money. Set up an entry and membership fee cos People don’t take things which are free seriously. but if you are a loser or you suck, offer money till you become popular. Remember Losers shalt not . .
cult 1
7)STOMACH GROWLS
food is important, at all times make sure there is enough food on tables. you do not want people to be starving to death in those lengthy good for nothing sermons  & activities where some killings and hiding bodies will take place. Also you do not want members to start feeding on each other and/or dead bodies, unless your cult is of living dead or zombies, in that case….. yay
hungry
8)ZIP IT MR.LOL
Now the most important life saving tip you will ever get in your entire life.
NO JOKES EVER
WHAT NEVER?
NO NEVER.
this is cult not a comedy act you do not make jokes and entertain people. remember at all times your work is serious and any thing which makes people laugh or smile or giggle or rofl or lmao is a sin.
happy crowd-001
well that’s that and we are done. make sure you have checked everything and you are good to go.
happy cult fest people may this world be blessed with more cults.
Related and a must read article
THE THIRD EYE OF MATA SOMA

About Soma Mukherjee

I often say things that put me in a jam, Jams go well with Buttered Toasts, Toasts are great hosts, Ghosts not so much, Although they can dance, Not all dancers are serial killers, Serial killers do not use Body bags that often, body bags aren't leak proof, Proof is in the Pudding.

57 responses »

  1. Hi Soma devi, have you watched ‘Little Zizou’? I am sure you have! BIf not yet, please do so at your soonest!

    Reply
  2. I’m calling mine “Friggin Cult”. and we worship wine gums.

    Reply
  3. Are you sure that Zombie is a ‘He’ I was thinking that it looks more like a girl, but hey Zombies are always hard to figure out so no problem, just makes sure he / she has plenty of brain guzzling ice cream on offer 🙂

    Sooooo a Cult it is then, now is it your turn or mine for the cookie jar filling? I like choco chips with caramel or lime bits on it, or lemon zest and chicken nuggets on a stick perhaps? 😦 Eeeeeuw Anyway the main thing is that you and I are the leaders and that everyone else follows us 🙂 lmao

    Okay I am out of here I have a Chocolate Cult to organise 😉 🙂

    Andro xxxx

    Reply
    • lol No am not sure Andro thank God I have your support lol
      oh i would like to be a leader but would gladly give it up to join your cult 🙂
      Chocolate cults yumm I am commmmiiinnngggg
      ♥ ♥ ♥

      Reply
  4. Wonderfully zany post today – I shall go out right now and form my own cult. Inspiring! 🙂

    Reply
  5. Goodness me! My head is in a dizzy spin trying to take all of this in! Tell me which one would best suit me, please? 😛

    Reply
  6. So, no “Cult of the Laughing Hyenas”?
    So sad,
    Scott

    Reply
  7. Excellent – you’ re a wonderful girl, but I won’t laugh because so I’m not serious – I learned the lesson my own cult(ea) failed – maybe because of much to much coffee… 🙂

    Glad you mentioned it, I have always had the feelings of tomatoes are some conscious suspicious shady elements – that we should be careful about, I believe the green tomatoes are the worst… 🙂

    Love your post here… 🙂

    Reply
    • ha ha You have such a great sense of humour….but yes coffee does kill the CULTY plans..
      oh thank God you had same thouhts about tomatoes
      yes yes yes green tomatoes are evil
      Thanks Ledrake ♥ ♥

      Reply
  8. -dobre—-very nice day;-)

    Reply
  9. I can tell you are a member of the Being Able to See Life through Humor cult!

    Reply
  10. Well I thought I was doing really good until I hit number eight. My cult would be, of course, Wombania. You’d have to dress like a Wombie (pointy ears and a big nose), act like a Wombie (never be mean), eat like a Wombie (all the chocolate, wine gums, Spam, pancakes, and milkshakes you can stomach) and pay your dues ($1.00 a year). But the not being funny, well, that might just be impossible!

    Reply
    • Binky I am already a member of the most amazing and delicious wombie cult…oh you are so right not being funny clause is a big obstacle..but those rules are for non chocolate eaters( yes yes such people exist)
      For Wombies there are no rules..Only they rule 🙂

      Reply
  11. No wonder my cult never took off – I did not follow any of these 8 Golden Rules

    Thank you Oh High Prietess of the Temple of Birthing Cults

    Reply
  12. Nothing like a warm cup of spicy aromatic cult-tea on a cold night to bring people together to watch for ‘Them”. Or to drink iced cult-tea on a summer evening and listen to the murmur of the tomatoes on the vines and the potatoes in their underground network. Sigh. 😀

    Reply
  13. OMG! Soma if I cannot control my laughter , how can I comment. Your cartoons are too good.
    What a funny post. You are full of weird ideas. But, yes we all need a new cult.So go on make one.

    Reply
  14. you and stu and the crown and tux ….come on ………………i am sending u the pic now ……………….. this is how u make the world a better place – you make them LAFFFFFF XO

    Reply
    • ha ha ha Stu’s cult is so expensive I never thought I would be able to save any to but some decent clothes..your crown and tux saved me..hey those are great cult costumes..you must start designing for cults 😆

      Reply
      • LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
        sent the crown and tux to both you and stu on email –
        hope u received my HARD WORK 🙂 lol xxxx

        “designing for cults ” can u imagine that in a resume ?
        lol
        Brilliant post soma x seriously
        if you are around on the weekend – u never know
        u and stu = STU-ISM SOMA-ISM
        may get another outfit ………
        That was totally cuckoo fun yesterday
        i laffed so hard my ribs still hurt ………
        was gonna implode 🙂 lol
        Happy weekend and to cult wardrobing 🙂 XOXOXOXOXO
        c XO

        Reply
  15. I think if we put our heads together we can control the world with chocolate.

    Your post is brilliant, fun and extremely entertaining, Soma…Oh, did I say, entertaining. I meant very series and real business to tend to here. 🙂

    Love ya! xxx

    Reply
  16. Soma you are tooooooo much!!! I so agree – what the world needs now …. for sure we need a fantastic new cult — sign me up. There are infinite possibilities here — I smiled big from your post today!!!! Thank you sweet lady! x RL 🙂

    Reply
  17. Sending you cyber hugs Soma . Such an awesome post. 🙂 It made my morning. 😀
    “Tomato seeds are aliens hiding and waiting for signal to destroy us
    ,Papaya’s are installed in our planet to end our species”- Ha ha ha. Very beautiful write up and the message is not difficult to understand . 🙂
    Take care.

    Reply
  18. ur drawings are brilliant – i wanna be in soma’s cult 🙂 x

    Reply
  19. You’re right Soma. I HAVE always wanted to start my own Cult. I would like to control people with weird beliefs and make them afraid that they’re not doing it right. I want people to believe EVERYTHING I say, and then if I contradict myself, believe that I meant that as well. I don’t want idiots – that’s too easy. I want really smart people in my Cult, maybe some scientists, or some celebrities – YES everyone loves celebrities! I could twist their egotistical minds into believing that they are the smart ones that recognised the important Cult first and that people will follow them.
    Then when I have millions of followers, I’ll say: “Only joking.” And all my followers will stop and stare at me, and wonder – ‘Does he mean it, or is this a test?’
    Guess which one they will decide.
    Will you be one of my Cult followers?

    Reply

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