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Rats in the attic

There are two kinds of rats, the Attic rats and the Gutter rats. Easy to tell them apart if you are an avid Rat watcher. However I do not discriminate, I hate all the rats equally. Brown or Black, Rich or Poor,  Asian or European. Rats are Crats and if you do not find a way to keep them away they soon find a way to czrat zrat zrat zrat ztat za ztat za ztat which is rat language for-I will chew on your stuff and pee and poop inside your house .
A wise old Rat once told me that the rats who live or work in attic are considered Elite (Tom Cruise of MI6 elite) in their community and not only are they experts in all kinds of invasions but are also very light on their feet. That is they can tip toe around easily  and never get caught, unless they want you to know of their presence, something they do when they want to creep you out or to challenge themselves. And one has to go through very tough selection process and a tougher training before one can even dream of being in the attic.
So it generated a lot of  buzz and squeaks when Captain Rat ‘o’ Cheekay chose that odd ball Blinkin’ Kalamiti to be an Attic rat. One look at him and you would know he didn’t fit in the Elite Attic Rat community.
Blinkin’ Kalamiti ( BK) had some real problems, behavioral as well as occupational. And within a month of joining the forces he had made quite a few enemies and haters in the Elite Community. Other Rats liked him as much as they liked a mosquito Buzz or a fresh stain on a new sofa or a pimple on nose on the wedding day. 
Finally fed up with his odd behavior, Lartata and Bartata, two of the most feared and respected Elite Attic Rats wrote a letter to the Captain mentioning the problems they have been having with BK, requesting Captain to either send him for a long training or a transfer to not so elite Box or Garage Rat community.
Here are the letters exchanged between forces and their Captain regarding the BK issue.
Dear Captain,
We do not know how to write this but what the hell Capt’, BK sucks big time.
-he is stupid
-he makes a lot of noise when he moves
-lies still and pretends to be dead and expects us to cry and mourn over the great loss
– spends half an hour every morning asking every lieutenant of the Forces if they think he is fat.
– he is slow, too slow, so slow that humans of this house have seen him, something which put a big question mark on our work ethics. Today humans have seen us, tomorrow we will be their pets!
– he is allergic to cheese( now what kind of rat is allergic to cheese, a STUPID rat who else!)
-he refused to go to the neighbouring attics three times in last week. He said and we quote “my inner voice tells me not to” 
-he can’t read or write and when asked to learn he said and we quote ” Now I ain’t made to serve words, words are meant to serve me, tell the words or whatever it is you want me to learn to learn me.”
-he saw his image in the mirror yesterday, went  straight to a bar and gulped down a whole bottle of dulcolax  cos some fool down told him that would make him look suave and has been pooping ever since in every part of the house, leaving a trail.
-loses temper when the humans move their furniture
-wears eye patch and plays pirate
-hates blue and green colours
-in the middle of a high risk invasion asks us if any girl is checking him out or not
 Sir we have tolerated him enough and any more of him would be setting a wrong precedence and example. We therefore request you to either sack him or send him to another team or a training or we will have no choice but to leave the force
Thanking you
Yours Faithfully/Sincerely/ Loving/Caring
ROEARF( rats of elite attic rat forces)
Divider Graphics
Dear all,
Blinkin’ Kalamiti, full name Blinkin’ Kalamiti ‘o’ Cheekay is my nephew
Yours Capt’
Divider Graphics
Dear Capt’
Dear sir we got it. We never had any problem with BK. He is a sweet kid with a sharp mind. Some of us just wanted to know more about him, that was all.
Yours Respectfully/Obediently serving/ Loyally yours
ROEARF( rats of elite attic rat forces)
Oh don’t we all know how lovely it is to have a Boss’s Relative as a co worker. Coming back to rats, the Elite Rats are now a days singing a new song to cope up with the disaster known as Blinkin’ Kalamiti !
The New guy is boss’s nephew
hola hola ho
so what if he ain’ gotta clue
hole hola ho
kiss his booty make him happy
or else the captain will be snappy
lets take him to drink and entertain
smile and laugh with that giant pain
hola hola ho
(Do not copy I failed my Anger Management class)

About Soma Mukherjee

I often say things that put me in a jam, Jams go well with Buttered Toasts, Toasts are great hosts, Ghosts not so much, Although they can dance, Not all dancers are serial killers, Serial killers do not use Body bags that often, body bags aren't leak proof, Proof is in the Pudding.

61 responses »

  1. Today, I went to the beach with my children. I found a sea shell and gave
    it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and
    screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
    She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely
    off topic but I had to tell someone!

  2. LOL…that was a good one!! I wonder why it reminds me of human beings?? Must be my delusion! 🙂

  3. hey Soma, wassup sweetheart? Haven’t seen u for a while, I have nominated you for a bunch of awards,

  4. Discrimination even in the world of rats..Hilarious write-up:)

  5. “Waiter there is a Stinking Great Rat in my soup!”
    “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, or everyone will want one”

    Have fun today Soma 😉

    Andro xxxx

  6. Don’t forget the Sewer Rats…they are the worst and the lowest.
    I tried anger management classes but I got mad and quit.

  7. Blinkin’ Kalamiti or Pimple on Nose of Bride and Groom at Weddings for short
    is a Rat amongst many, but never ever was there a more stinky looking, moaning,
    good for nothing honking, finger up the bum snot nosed, wrinkled cheese hating,
    nauseating, butt weed, slap head, fart faced Rat, and everyone knew it 🙂 lmao

    Your stories rock Soma 🙂 😉
    Have a lovely rest of week
    with lashings of chocolate
    sundaes and marshmallow
    lollipops with fudge on top 🙂

    Andro xxxx

  8. Best. Rodent. Post. Ever!

  9. He he he, methinks it is the tune changing, booty kissing rest of the force that perpetrates the BK syndrome! Good one Soma 😉

  10. -dzień dobry Soma—-very nice day;-)

  11. cant u just let a or a few really hungry cats lose and that way u get rid of your all your rats in general?

  12. While BK is clearly ill-suited for the Elite Rat Forces, he would be well qualified as a politician. He’d be voted in wherever he ran.

  13. I confess, I’m a cereal killer! Eat it every morning and leave no evidence of the killing on my plate. I’m just too too devious! I like how you wove Tom Cruise into a rat story. Very insightful indeed. As for the little story of the captains nephew we see that scenario every day in our political scene. Not much difference between the East and the West is there?

    • No Ian there aren’t any difference when it comes to dirty politics and games in office.
      Ian both of us are cereal killer it seems, only You Are Tom Cruise or Brad pitt and I am more of Inspector Jacques Clouseau. 😆 leaving trails and traces all the way

      • Right Inspector Jacques, I’m onto your trail now. I’m the one with the binoculars behind that banyan tree. Oh shoot! I forgot about those Indian crows!! How ever am I going to clean my topee now and why do they always favour the colour yellow? lol

  14. Soma, I hate rats, too! 🙂 Absolutely loved this! I’m smiling and my cheeks are hurting now! 🙂 Hugs!

  15. The satirist always. I love it, Soma. I chuckled all the way through. And, of course, I laughed out loud when you failed anger management class… 🙂

  16. This is great! I’ll share this with our rats…..

  17. Soma Star my sweet 🙂 what planet do You come from ? xxxx Because i Love planet soma xxx
    sometimes i don’t get it xxx but i have to say –
    the morals of the stories always stick with me xxx
    🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 love you xxxx

    who doesn’t chase rats xo C

  18. There’s a third kind of Rat species found in Corporates that race against each other to reach the apex. I actively try to stay away from that race because even if I win I’d still be a hated rat! 🙂

  19. How well you skewer our meritless society and working world. How I have seen the rats work this way. I too hate rates and wish I could put inhumane rat traps out to catch them alive but painfully.

  20. You failed in anger management? Now, that’ll put the fear of shaitan and god and everything in between into whomsoever is even thinking of plagiarizing your post 🙂

    Uncle Rat and Nephew Rat – sounds quite familiar even in so-called meritocratic societies. The world is overrun by BKs – oops sorry, rats!


    • so true Eric the Uncle nephew/neice thing is every where, now a days the mother in law-son in law thing plus an incompetent prime minister is taking our nation to new lows

  21. I hope you are not maroing satire on our national figures as taking offense on sentimental issues is our national pastime, just tell me where it happened and We will pressurize the CM to resign, send petitions to everyone. This is the simple case of ‘ saiyyan bhaye kotwal.’
    Very lovely post. Witty and humorous.

  22. Lovely take on a social ill plaguing our country (and I should assume the world over) with humourous finesse.

  23. Sheez, tough rat crowd. Maybe BK should ……why are there river dancing penguins distracting me ….. maybe….will you penguins quit it already!!!! Blahaha lactose intolerant rats.

  24. Rats who are allergic to cheese and play pirate cannot be trusted! BTW – the 1970s provided two rat movies … Willard … Ben.

  25. Wow Wow..I really loved reading this..Very Lovely Post..
    But this BK thing is found everywhere I guess..

  26. Soma it’s such an awesome and super cool post. Loove it:)

  27. be it corporate or govt .. BKs are everywhere flaunting norms and challenging patience 🙂 I literally felt like I was watching an animated video 🙂

  28. I have to read it again then I will comment. lol.

  29. ***** – 5 out of 5 stars… 🙂 🙂 😉


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