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Category Archives: Stories from Under the Bed

Rats in the attic

There are two kinds of rats, the Attic rats and the Gutter rats. Easy to tell them apart if you are an avid Rat watcher. However I do not discriminate, I hate all the rats equally. Brown or Black, Rich or Poor,  Asian or European. Rats are Crats and if you do not find a way to keep them away they soon find a way to czrat zrat zrat zrat ztat za ztat za ztat which is rat language for-I will chew on your stuff and pee and poop inside your house .
A wise old Rat once told me that the rats who live or work in attic are considered Elite (Tom Cruise of MI6 elite) in their community and not only are they experts in all kinds of invasions but are also very light on their feet. That is they can tip toe around easily  and never get caught, unless they want you to know of their presence, something they do when they want to creep you out or to challenge themselves. And one has to go through very tough selection process and a tougher training before one can even dream of being in the attic.
ELITE ATTIC RAT
So it generated a lot of  buzz and squeaks when Captain Rat ‘o’ Cheekay chose that odd ball Blinkin’ Kalamiti to be an Attic rat. One look at him and you would know he didn’t fit in the Elite Attic Rat community.
Blinkin’ Kalamiti ( BK) had some real problems, behavioral as well as occupational. And within a month of joining the forces he had made quite a few enemies and haters in the Elite Community. Other Rats liked him as much as they liked a mosquito Buzz or a fresh stain on a new sofa or a pimple on nose on the wedding day. 
Finally fed up with his odd behavior, Lartata and Bartata, two of the most feared and respected Elite Attic Rats wrote a letter to the Captain mentioning the problems they have been having with BK, requesting Captain to either send him for a long training or a transfer to not so elite Box or Garage Rat community.
Here are the letters exchanged between forces and their Captain regarding the BK issue.
Dear Captain,
We do not know how to write this but what the hell Capt’, BK sucks big time.
-he is stupid
-he makes a lot of noise when he moves
-lies still and pretends to be dead and expects us to cry and mourn over the great loss
– spends half an hour every morning asking every lieutenant of the Forces if they think he is fat.
– he is slow, too slow, so slow that humans of this house have seen him, something which put a big question mark on our work ethics. Today humans have seen us, tomorrow we will be their pets!
– he is allergic to cheese( now what kind of rat is allergic to cheese, a STUPID rat who else!)
-he refused to go to the neighbouring attics three times in last week. He said and we quote “my inner voice tells me not to” 
-he can’t read or write and when asked to learn he said and we quote ” Now I ain’t made to serve words, words are meant to serve me, tell the words or whatever it is you want me to learn to learn me.”
-he saw his image in the mirror yesterday, went  straight to a bar and gulped down a whole bottle of dulcolax  cos some fool down told him that would make him look suave and has been pooping ever since in every part of the house, leaving a trail.
-loses temper when the humans move their furniture
-wears eye patch and plays pirate
-hates blue and green colours
-in the middle of a high risk invasion asks us if any girl is checking him out or not
 Sir we have tolerated him enough and any more of him would be setting a wrong precedence and example. We therefore request you to either sack him or send him to another team or a training or we will have no choice but to leave the force
Thanking you
Yours Faithfully/Sincerely/ Loving/Caring
ROEARF( rats of elite attic rat forces)
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Dear all,
Blinkin’ Kalamiti, full name Blinkin’ Kalamiti ‘o’ Cheekay is my nephew
Yours Capt’
Divider Graphics
Dear Capt’
Dear sir we got it. We never had any problem with BK. He is a sweet kid with a sharp mind. Some of us just wanted to know more about him, that was all.
Yours Respectfully/Obediently serving/ Loyally yours
ROEARF( rats of elite attic rat forces)
Oh don’t we all know how lovely it is to have a Boss’s Relative as a co worker. Coming back to rats, the Elite Rats are now a days singing a new song to cope up with the disaster known as Blinkin’ Kalamiti !
The New guy is boss’s nephew
hola hola ho
so what if he ain’ gotta clue
hole hola ho
kiss his booty make him happy
or else the captain will be snappy
lets take him to drink and entertain
smile and laugh with that giant pain
hola hola ho
ÒÓÒÓ
(Do not copy I failed my Anger Management class)

B FOR BOO, ONE O SILENT

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Hashtag Boogart
There will never be another ghost like him
So full of vim, So driven by whim
Munching on toasts, Haunting the coasts
Hashtag Boogart
Huge Grunge fan , sporting Tattoos and Tan
used to live with me not so long ago
He was scared of the Boos (sometimes of his own)
Shivered and sweated everytime he heard a Coo
Felt dizzy at the sight of Jimmy choos and Candy yoos
He was scared of everything that had a double O
even the toos, the Loos, and the Moos
Boogart was scared of zoos
and there was nothing I could do for him
He hated ducks and drakes
Despised the designer fakes
Scowled at the screeching sound of sudden brakes
He hated everything that rhymed with snakes
even the cakes, the lakes and the snow flakes
Boogart was scared of  zoos
Boogart hated milk shakes
and there was nothing , oh nothing
I could ever do for him
He would get cramps just looking at leams
Break in hives if he accidental feasted on breams
Sneeze and wheeze if exposed to steams and screams
He was allergic to everything that had ‘eams’
even the fleams, the up streams and the creams
Boogart was scared of zoos
hated milkshakes
was allergic to dreams
and oh unlucky me
I could never ever ever do anything for him
POOR BOOGARTHIDING AS A WALLPAPER

Poor Boogart hiding as a wallpaper after some kids shouted boo at him.

That is why last Friday
people from
The Ghost Welfare Committee ( T.G.W.C)
took him away from me
I live alone in my, now not so haunted mansion
while Hashtag Boogart
once my pet Ghost
lives in a zoo
with ice creams on every menu
and is given a bed made of cornflakes.
  
Hashtag Boogart
I miss him toogart.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
         
©2013Soma Mukherjee
*************
My Dear Dearest Friend  STUART visited Boogart in the zoo and this is what he had to say-
Alas poor Boogart, I visited him there.
In the zoo, where everyone stared.
‘Boo us ghosty’ – how the crowd howled.
But poor Boogart simply scowled.
He tried to tell them to get out of there.
But the sound that they heard was breeze in the air.
Misery, blisery, booing and hoo
Poor Boogart doesn’t belong in a zoo.
A mansion with webs,
Hanging down from the stairs,
Is where he belongs.
He’d be happier there.
~ Stuart (http://thechangeyourlifeblog.wordpress.com/)
( This Blog is protected by FBI,RAW,CBI,MI6 AND X-MEN and WOMBIES)

CODE NAME CHOCOPO

“so this is what it looks like, huh”
“it,what!”
“the end of the world”
“who said its end, how do you..
“look around you fool,yesterday was a Friday, A Friday, and today a Monday. where is the weekend?”
←♠♠♠♠♠→
Dear everybody and People from outer space. Something terrible horrible happened in out Town of Gokakakpapa. Someone stole our weekend . This Thursday I saw it dancing with Friday and on Friday I saw it getting ready to date Saturday. One moment it was there, why I even waved and smiled at it but today we got up and found a Big Blue Monday in the Town.
Mr.Herg from the farm said anything is possible now a days, Mrs. Hexel called for the top Voodoo officials and Tantrik Babas from faraway land to solve this end of the world problem. Every one seemed to know someone who knew how to solve this problem and in the mean time I tried to find out what could have happened to the weekend. It really could have been anything….
Spider thought weekend was a fly and caught it in its net
Cat thought it was a mouse and killed it as soon as they met
Dog thought it was a ghost and barked and chased it out of the town
Squirrels cracked it open cos they looked nutty and brown
Cows were hungry and thirsty, they grazed on it to keep their cool
And sheep’s, you never know what they can hide beneath all that wool
What if weekend went for a walk and took a wrong turn
Or went to a carnival stayed there forever to have all the fun
Today was supposed to be a weekend and I didn’t know what to do,
Saturday and Sunday didn’t show up and no one had a clue
where is weekend
That is when we heard about Wombats-
Wombats
experts in all kinds of combats,
They know how to win and change the glum 
with marshmallow’s, chocolates and wine gums.
They are wombats
They are wombats
your new age superman
They are clever
they are smart
they are fast
They always have a game plan
They are Wombats
And I knew Soma who knew Fraz The Funny Clever Wombat. The moment they heard about our problems they flew in the next second in their Chocomarshmellow Superduper trooper powered space ship and told us to take a chill with chocolate milkshake and before we knew Our weekend was restored back with all its zing.
Oh but what a shame, that our Weekend was under the huge pile of garbage lying all around in the city !! Poor poor Saturday and Sunday all stinky and dishevelled. Our superheroes Binky,Winky,Twink & Fraz re-charged and refreshed the weekends with chocotrooper superpower and even showed us how to keep the city clean.
They sang us this lovely song-
If you don’t keep your city clean
if you don’t take care of your Town
you drive away all the good vibes
and in stays quarrels and frowns
so pick up that wrapper and throw it in the bin
and next time you see a dirt
don’t wait for someone else to clean
clean you town
clean your town
polish it in and out
love your town
keep it clean
and hug the colour green
WOMBATS ARE FUN
And in todays papers
The Times– Wombats , of course they did it..
The Guardian– With Wombats nothing is lombat, they do is fast, we hope the city learnt something
Daily Mirror– We Want Wombats to rule the world, we want world leaders to learn from them, hey Mr. President are you listening ?
************
Have fun People and remember clean city happy city
and oh
TGWHW-( Thank God We Have Wombies)

Thomas Edison,Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville and The Third Person

In a way this post is about the people who invented Phonograph but also not about them at all. If you know me you wont find this revelation strange, in fact you will be kind of expecting one very weird post.

In the beginning there were three people,that is how God had planned it..cos He knew  how fast two people can get bored with each other. So in the beginning it was Adam,Eve and the Third person. Centuries have passed and no one yet knows the name or gender or even religion of the third person. Some say he/she was the person who named the other two Adam and Eve.
You werent thinking one fine morning two people opened their eyes found them(without clothes) on earth are started calling each other Adam and Eve ..were you?
This third person
was it a he
or  she
or a Satan
born as human
or an alien
in human disguise
what was God’s plan
or was this hidden
even from Him
Nah of course He knew
but what was his/her name
and why the mystery
World leaders meet twice every year at the United Nations to solve this mystery( this also solves the puzzle why U.N is never able to prevent any war or crime …cos they have an age-old mystery to solve first) and every year the leaders come back without any answer to their nation and then to get over depression blame neighbouring countries and promote gender and religious divides..which kinda makes sense.
All this is true but you wont believe me. if you are nodding or laughing, let me tell you, this blog is about truth..in fact i will rename it the truth blog where only truth exists..only the true stories.
Like in one of my posts i wrote how i jumped from my 6th floor balcony one morning to save a monkey and landed up on quick sand.
You may ask why i thought the monkey needed  help but i would prefer to keep quite at this moment cos animals can’t talk and its our duty to understand their discomfort…anyways no further comment( all will be revealed in Oprah )

So i had monkey in one hand and a lotus on another( no comments) but i didn’t let either die or fall even though i knew the quick sand was gulping all of us fast .But in the end all three of us were safe and on 6th floor enjoying the rains( again no comments)

Getting back to the mystery of the third person,some say he/she was Gay. Now why would those people say so I have no idea. There are people who are god loving and god fearing and also respecting God  and doing everything right who will feel betrayed if this is how things started.
And also if god wanted us to be gay he would have built a …..you know a ..OK right now i am not able to think of anything but will be back soon on this matter with cure to Gayism, Autism, Womanism and also Oldism all of which are curses and weapons of mass destruction.
A Scientist when promised anonymity,told me in hush-hush tone that the answer lies in the poem “Mary had a little lamb“…
Now i may not have read Shakespeare a lot but i have read Mary had a little lamb and i have no idea what these people were trying to tell me in hush-hush tone ..is it a between the lines thing which i never get ?
Also  why did Edison sing this rhyme when he recorded  his first phonograph. And what is more interesting is The original 1877 recording was not saved and no longer exists.
some say the clue lies in the French folk song “Au Clair de la Lune” sung by  Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville in 1857. But i can confirm there is no information in it.
Anyways listen to the video clip and try to decode it and if you find anything do let me know cos a lot depends on this.
well i hope i have been a great help and the pieces of informations on this blog will one day open portals to new somethings which will be very important to atleast some one.
oh and By the way if i had that chance of recording my voice in the phonogram,
 i would have said-
‘Big Z, little Z, what begins with Z?
I do.
I’m a zizzer zazzer zuzz, as you can plainly see.’
~ ( Dr.Seuss)
What about you ?
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