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Why aren’t we talking about Cockroaches?

I want to know. I really really do! why cats, why not cockroaches? Pages after pages filled with nothing but poems and essays and stories about cats, what’s with that?

Some people asked me if this was the reason I have been missing from blogosphere, why, yes, I was! So disturbed and depressed was I with the kind of shoddy treatment cockroaches have been getting  that I left this world. Out there in the space I met some really intelligent people who told me future belongs to cockroaches, not cats. They advised me to return to my planet and work on making the world cockroach friendly.

WORK BEGINS

DAY 1 BLOGGING ABOUT COCKROACHES. MY APT AND SHARP REPLIES TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE ABOUT CATS NOT BECAUSE THEY LOVED’EM BUT BECAUSE THEY WERE ANTI-COCKROACH HUMANS.

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1) Kittens can happen to anyone. ~Paul Gallico

Why Sir, so can cockroaches, what’s with this song and noise?

2)“I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat.”

Edgar Allan Poe

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 something that has been here for millions of years, survived nuclear attacks,  living -procreating under your cabinets, behind the walls. You think it is gone, but a lil heat and damp, it re-surfaces. All these and much more and you still think Cats are mysterious?

ask the pesterminators what keeps them awake at nights, ask the scientists if they are sure the latest spray can get rid of roaches completely and they run and hide in a cabinet and howl like a mad wolf.

I wish I could scribble like cockroaches Mr. Poe!

3) “The only escape from the miseries of life are music and cats…”
Albert Schweitzer

oh pulheeese, no way. Go get some bagels. cockroaches are proof that you have food clothes, toothbrushes ,hair , fresh or decaying matter in possession. either this or you live in sewer, either way you have something!!

something= cockroaches=no miserable

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4) “I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston S. Churchill

lol lol lol  Mr.Churchill you said Pigs. LOL ROFLLMAO. Am sure you meant Cockroaches

5) “Of all God’s creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat….
Mark Twain

ha ha ha yeah Mr. Twain cos we sure can make cockroaches our slaves

6) It is impossible to keep a straight face in the presence of one or more kittens.

~Cynthia E. Varnado

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7) There has never been a cat
Who couldn’t calm me down
By walking slowly
Past my chair.
~Rod McKuen

Well Mr. McKuen, There has never been a cockroach who couldn’t get me up By waking slowly Past my chair. what do you have to say about that huh?

PHEW!!

There I have proved each and every anti- cockroach person wrong. In fact before publishing this article I sent a copy of this excellent piece I created to all of writers mentioned ( yes all of them) and all of them have since apologised. They have realised their folly.

But what about you COMMON PEOPLE, when will you understand the power of coackroaches, or will you rather be unprepared and be treated a slave in a Cockroach World?

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Join now or be left behind with nothing but regrets and no entry to rock concerts, ever.

Hope with this post I have succeded in creating awareness about THE MIGHTY, SUPREMELY TALENTED, MYSTERIOUS COCKROACHES.

(if not, do write so that I can repost it till you get it.)

Thanks and happy HOLI

Rats in the attic

There are two kinds of rats, the Attic rats and the Gutter rats. Easy to tell them apart if you are an avid Rat watcher. However I do not discriminate, I hate all the rats equally. Brown or Black, Rich or Poor,  Asian or European. Rats are Crats and if you do not find a way to keep them away they soon find a way to czrat zrat zrat zrat ztat za ztat za ztat which is rat language for-I will chew on your stuff and pee and poop inside your house .
A wise old Rat once told me that the rats who live or work in attic are considered Elite (Tom Cruise of MI6 elite) in their community and not only are they experts in all kinds of invasions but are also very light on their feet. That is they can tip toe around easily  and never get caught, unless they want you to know of their presence, something they do when they want to creep you out or to challenge themselves. And one has to go through very tough selection process and a tougher training before one can even dream of being in the attic.
ELITE ATTIC RAT
So it generated a lot of  buzz and squeaks when Captain Rat ‘o’ Cheekay chose that odd ball Blinkin’ Kalamiti to be an Attic rat. One look at him and you would know he didn’t fit in the Elite Attic Rat community.
Blinkin’ Kalamiti ( BK) had some real problems, behavioral as well as occupational. And within a month of joining the forces he had made quite a few enemies and haters in the Elite Community. Other Rats liked him as much as they liked a mosquito Buzz or a fresh stain on a new sofa or a pimple on nose on the wedding day. 
Finally fed up with his odd behavior, Lartata and Bartata, two of the most feared and respected Elite Attic Rats wrote a letter to the Captain mentioning the problems they have been having with BK, requesting Captain to either send him for a long training or a transfer to not so elite Box or Garage Rat community.
Here are the letters exchanged between forces and their Captain regarding the BK issue.
Dear Captain,
We do not know how to write this but what the hell Capt’, BK sucks big time.
-he is stupid
-he makes a lot of noise when he moves
-lies still and pretends to be dead and expects us to cry and mourn over the great loss
– spends half an hour every morning asking every lieutenant of the Forces if they think he is fat.
– he is slow, too slow, so slow that humans of this house have seen him, something which put a big question mark on our work ethics. Today humans have seen us, tomorrow we will be their pets!
– he is allergic to cheese( now what kind of rat is allergic to cheese, a STUPID rat who else!)
-he refused to go to the neighbouring attics three times in last week. He said and we quote “my inner voice tells me not to” 
-he can’t read or write and when asked to learn he said and we quote ” Now I ain’t made to serve words, words are meant to serve me, tell the words or whatever it is you want me to learn to learn me.”
-he saw his image in the mirror yesterday, went  straight to a bar and gulped down a whole bottle of dulcolax  cos some fool down told him that would make him look suave and has been pooping ever since in every part of the house, leaving a trail.
-loses temper when the humans move their furniture
-wears eye patch and plays pirate
-hates blue and green colours
-in the middle of a high risk invasion asks us if any girl is checking him out or not
 Sir we have tolerated him enough and any more of him would be setting a wrong precedence and example. We therefore request you to either sack him or send him to another team or a training or we will have no choice but to leave the force
Thanking you
Yours Faithfully/Sincerely/ Loving/Caring
ROEARF( rats of elite attic rat forces)
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Dear all,
Blinkin’ Kalamiti, full name Blinkin’ Kalamiti ‘o’ Cheekay is my nephew
Yours Capt’
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Dear Capt’
Dear sir we got it. We never had any problem with BK. He is a sweet kid with a sharp mind. Some of us just wanted to know more about him, that was all.
Yours Respectfully/Obediently serving/ Loyally yours
ROEARF( rats of elite attic rat forces)
Oh don’t we all know how lovely it is to have a Boss’s Relative as a co worker. Coming back to rats, the Elite Rats are now a days singing a new song to cope up with the disaster known as Blinkin’ Kalamiti !
The New guy is boss’s nephew
hola hola ho
so what if he ain’ gotta clue
hole hola ho
kiss his booty make him happy
or else the captain will be snappy
lets take him to drink and entertain
smile and laugh with that giant pain
hola hola ho
ÒÓÒÓ
(Do not copy I failed my Anger Management class)

THE MOVIE

There are three kinds of people in the movie making business, One who believe in Werner Herzog theory  of  “Read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read…if you don’t read, you will never be a filmmaker”,
Second are those who believe in what Jean-Luc Godard said  “All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun.”  
and third are the people who believe that movie making business is all about how much one can afford. Nothing else matters, not the story, nor the cast, neither the purpose, nothing else. if you need just three people but can afford a thousand, I say take them and this applies to every aspect of film making.
keeping the third theory in mind I have come up with an excellent blockbuster movie plan. The  movie right now is on papers and nothing is finalized not even the name but I know it is going to be a big block buster and so will you when you see my plan. The reason I am sharing my ideas with you today is that I need finance which I am sure you will provide when you see what a great movie I have scripted. So without much ado I present to you
THE MOVIE
Cast and Story 1
As I have mentioned in the pic, main lead 1(some newbie) will die, but not before he comes to know that his father is not his real father, a detective tells him so. Mean while real father for whom life till now was nothing but happy hours will be tearing his hair in frustration. Grandpa who will come to know of this secret will spread the news cos he is old and has a weak bladder, but later regret( of course).There will be two guys, the neighbour who will laugh at this news because the main lead used to park his vehicle in this man’s parking area and also because this is what villains do and another ( happy man ) will laugh at this news but later be fired and he will be all- I want to kill the main lead( second villain).
 Then there will be an ass ho73 who will be here for no reason other than the fact that he is an assho73. Japanese guy , Yo guy  and the Guy in the hospital will provide much needed comic relief.
Then a man will die in pool while the other won’t , all of this will be seen and taped by a mysterious man and someone will lose his marbles.
Toondoo1
OK so as explained in the pic, lot of people will die and the gardener will be one of the main villains cos she used to work in an office but was fired cos she was too hot, so too avenge her humiliation she now wears ‘hardly anything’  and works as a gardener in the person’s house who got her fired, but the person doesn’t recognize her cos she now hardly wears anything.

also there will  be a hot girl trying to touch her toes ( a tribute to yoga) every now and then and a hot yogini who will kill the girl cos she was killing her business. Then there will be grandma who will be too happy that grandpa spilled the news and now she can finally divorce him. And the gossip girl will tell the neighbours that the main lead’s ( actress in lead role)  father in law is not the real one and the real one doesn’t want to be any part of this family and the neighbour will then come to the main lead’s house and laugh and say told ya and die.
And then there will be a dog ( not in the pic, idea hit me just now) who will kill all the villains and recognize his master who after third plastic surgery looks much better but can not see, hear or speak.
Note- there will be 13 songs, two with the ‘hardly wearing anything’ gardener and three with hot yoginis and the fight sequence between hot yogini and the girl trying to touch toes will be, once a hit,now forgotten dance form called The Snake Dance.
also there will be a song where the dog will emote the lines through his eyes and the people of the island will cry and try to fix the plane and carve a tunnel in the mountain with bare hands and eat rotting bodies.
Rest of the songs will be wherever we can put them
wish you all a great week ahead and those who wish to sponsor kindly mail me at matasoma@emptypoket.com or call 1800-whose-spleen-is-that.
 This post is protected by voodoo spells.

Merino’s Bahh

Hello fellow Earthlings. How are you people doing, still pushing each other to get in the lift first or may be fighting for/over  some piece of land! Well good for you, keep up the fight because you are clearly going to live forever.
Me!! umm not so, cos I know I will be going back to my home planet  Zazaburra soon, where no one is born and no one dies, we are just a planet full of small Glow worms spreading light through our bums and singing the bumbum glee songs.
bumbum glee bumbum glee
my bum is twinkling
oh can’t you see
oh can’t you see
why can’t you see
I am a bumbum glee……oh such a beautiful song
More about me and the song in some other post,some other day when it is not raining so much and I can think clearly without having spiders, snakes and zombies taking refuge under my bed and making all kinds of noise.
For today’s post I would like all of you to meet Merino, my new pet cartoon sheep. Why Cartoon, do you ask?
Well for one I live in this huge small building and that I know is no place to raise a real Sheep and second I heard Merino is a blogger. Tell me friends, is there anything better than a cartoon sheep who blogs!!!
And I admit ( with sheepish grin) having a pet minus the feeding, cleaning after, sounded so heavenly when I adopted Merino.
 You see I am not a potted plant kind of person. I have tried many a times but failed miserably every time to keep the plants green and/or alive. And one of my friends who works at the Hilbilitoopoo state something asylum told me Meds, Straitjackets and the padded white rooms are keeping me from loving plants and hence I should not be keeping a pet. And yet I found a pet to pamper in this huge small building, isn’t it incredible!
Me and Merino
Back to Merino, as I told you earlier, he is a blogger.
He named his blog ‘The Bleating Log’
( Merino somehow got this idea that BLOG is short for Bleating Log and nothing I said could convince him otherwise)
Today I am sharing one of his poems, hope you like the poem and encourage Merino to write more :)
~Unraveling at seams~
I  had a bad dream last night
I dreamt that I was beautiful
crimped and elastic staples
lovely Kemp, beautiful fleece
and then came those nasty things
nasty things called human beings
they reared me
they sheared me
and took all my wool away
now I look weird
now I look weird
Those clothes, those sweaters
they are all me
they are all me
and I want discount from Macy’s
Unraveling at seems

Unraveling at seams

~thank you
Copyright 2013@BleatingLog
and before I leave you wondering about twinkling bums picturing me and the awesomeness that will be, let me tell you Merino is a huge fan of Stuart Art. There is nothing STU can’t do, says Merino and here is what Stu had to say about Merino’s poem-

The Bleating Log

Met a leaping dog

On his way to herd

‘Creak’ said the log

For it had no mouth

And the dog simply barked

Which meant ‘Merde!’

It was a French dog.

~Stuart Young~

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