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Rats in the attic

There are two kinds of rats, the Attic rats and the Gutter rats. Easy to tell them apart if you are an avid Rat watcher. However I do not discriminate, I hate all the rats equally. Brown or Black, Rich or Poor,  Asian or European. Rats are Crats and if you do not find a way to keep them away they soon find a way to czrat zrat zrat zrat ztat za ztat za ztat which is rat language for-I will chew on your stuff and pee and poop inside your house .
A wise old Rat once told me that the rats who live or work in attic are considered Elite (Tom Cruise of MI6 elite) in their community and not only are they experts in all kinds of invasions but are also very light on their feet. That is they can tip toe around easily  and never get caught, unless they want you to know of their presence, something they do when they want to creep you out or to challenge themselves. And one has to go through very tough selection process and a tougher training before one can even dream of being in the attic.
ELITE ATTIC RAT
So it generated a lot of  buzz and squeaks when Captain Rat ‘o’ Cheekay chose that odd ball Blinkin’ Kalamiti to be an Attic rat. One look at him and you would know he didn’t fit in the Elite Attic Rat community.
Blinkin’ Kalamiti ( BK) had some real problems, behavioral as well as occupational. And within a month of joining the forces he had made quite a few enemies and haters in the Elite Community. Other Rats liked him as much as they liked a mosquito Buzz or a fresh stain on a new sofa or a pimple on nose on the wedding day. 
Finally fed up with his odd behavior, Lartata and Bartata, two of the most feared and respected Elite Attic Rats wrote a letter to the Captain mentioning the problems they have been having with BK, requesting Captain to either send him for a long training or a transfer to not so elite Box or Garage Rat community.
Here are the letters exchanged between forces and their Captain regarding the BK issue.
Dear Captain,
We do not know how to write this but what the hell Capt’, BK sucks big time.
-he is stupid
-he makes a lot of noise when he moves
-lies still and pretends to be dead and expects us to cry and mourn over the great loss
– spends half an hour every morning asking every lieutenant of the Forces if they think he is fat.
– he is slow, too slow, so slow that humans of this house have seen him, something which put a big question mark on our work ethics. Today humans have seen us, tomorrow we will be their pets!
– he is allergic to cheese( now what kind of rat is allergic to cheese, a STUPID rat who else!)
-he refused to go to the neighbouring attics three times in last week. He said and we quote “my inner voice tells me not to” 
-he can’t read or write and when asked to learn he said and we quote ” Now I ain’t made to serve words, words are meant to serve me, tell the words or whatever it is you want me to learn to learn me.”
-he saw his image in the mirror yesterday, went  straight to a bar and gulped down a whole bottle of dulcolax  cos some fool down told him that would make him look suave and has been pooping ever since in every part of the house, leaving a trail.
-loses temper when the humans move their furniture
-wears eye patch and plays pirate
-hates blue and green colours
-in the middle of a high risk invasion asks us if any girl is checking him out or not
 Sir we have tolerated him enough and any more of him would be setting a wrong precedence and example. We therefore request you to either sack him or send him to another team or a training or we will have no choice but to leave the force
Thanking you
Yours Faithfully/Sincerely/ Loving/Caring
ROEARF( rats of elite attic rat forces)
cool-cartoon-6509216
Divider Graphics
Dear all,
Blinkin’ Kalamiti, full name Blinkin’ Kalamiti ‘o’ Cheekay is my nephew
Yours Capt’
Divider Graphics
Dear Capt’
Dear sir we got it. We never had any problem with BK. He is a sweet kid with a sharp mind. Some of us just wanted to know more about him, that was all.
Yours Respectfully/Obediently serving/ Loyally yours
ROEARF( rats of elite attic rat forces)
Oh don’t we all know how lovely it is to have a Boss’s Relative as a co worker. Coming back to rats, the Elite Rats are now a days singing a new song to cope up with the disaster known as Blinkin’ Kalamiti !
The New guy is boss’s nephew
hola hola ho
so what if he ain’ gotta clue
hole hola ho
kiss his booty make him happy
or else the captain will be snappy
lets take him to drink and entertain
smile and laugh with that giant pain
hola hola ho
ÒÓÒÓ
(Do not copy I failed my Anger Management class)

THE MOVIE

There are three kinds of people in the movie making business, One who believe in Werner Herzog theory  of  “Read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read…if you don’t read, you will never be a filmmaker”,
Second are those who believe in what Jean-Luc Godard said  “All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun.”  
and third are the people who believe that movie making business is all about how much one can afford. Nothing else matters, not the story, nor the cast, neither the purpose, nothing else. if you need just three people but can afford a thousand, I say take them and this applies to every aspect of film making.
keeping the third theory in mind I have come up with an excellent blockbuster movie plan. The  movie right now is on papers and nothing is finalized not even the name but I know it is going to be a big block buster and so will you when you see my plan. The reason I am sharing my ideas with you today is that I need finance which I am sure you will provide when you see what a great movie I have scripted. So without much ado I present to you
THE MOVIE
Cast and Story 1
As I have mentioned in the pic, main lead 1(some newbie) will die, but not before he comes to know that his father is not his real father, a detective tells him so. Mean while real father for whom life till now was nothing but happy hours will be tearing his hair in frustration. Grandpa who will come to know of this secret will spread the news cos he is old and has a weak bladder, but later regret( of course).There will be two guys, the neighbour who will laugh at this news because the main lead used to park his vehicle in this man’s parking area and also because this is what villains do and another ( happy man ) will laugh at this news but later be fired and he will be all- I want to kill the main lead( second villain).
 Then there will be an ass ho73 who will be here for no reason other than the fact that he is an assho73. Japanese guy , Yo guy  and the Guy in the hospital will provide much needed comic relief.
Then a man will die in pool while the other won’t , all of this will be seen and taped by a mysterious man and someone will lose his marbles.
Toondoo1
OK so as explained in the pic, lot of people will die and the gardener will be one of the main villains cos she used to work in an office but was fired cos she was too hot, so too avenge her humiliation she now wears ‘hardly anything’  and works as a gardener in the person’s house who got her fired, but the person doesn’t recognize her cos she now hardly wears anything.

also there will  be a hot girl trying to touch her toes ( a tribute to yoga) every now and then and a hot yogini who will kill the girl cos she was killing her business. Then there will be grandma who will be too happy that grandpa spilled the news and now she can finally divorce him. And the gossip girl will tell the neighbours that the main lead’s ( actress in lead role)  father in law is not the real one and the real one doesn’t want to be any part of this family and the neighbour will then come to the main lead’s house and laugh and say told ya and die.
And then there will be a dog ( not in the pic, idea hit me just now) who will kill all the villains and recognize his master who after third plastic surgery looks much better but can not see, hear or speak.
Note- there will be 13 songs, two with the ‘hardly wearing anything’ gardener and three with hot yoginis and the fight sequence between hot yogini and the girl trying to touch toes will be, once a hit,now forgotten dance form called The Snake Dance.
also there will be a song where the dog will emote the lines through his eyes and the people of the island will cry and try to fix the plane and carve a tunnel in the mountain with bare hands and eat rotting bodies.
Rest of the songs will be wherever we can put them
wish you all a great week ahead and those who wish to sponsor kindly mail me at matasoma@emptypoket.com or call 1800-whose-spleen-is-that.
 This post is protected by voodoo spells.

Are you Shifting ?

Those who believe in Soul mates
Come, come inside
I am happy to have found you
let’s have some tea, let’s talk
for you and I will be great friends.
I  know, I just know
and to those who don’t  believe in this magic
or any such matter at all
all I will say now is
There is, there is  my darling
such a beautiful thing called soul mate,
some find them in their spouses,
some in their friends
and some in their victims….
(waiting to be relieved of their painful miserable lives)
 
face
 

She was excited, had all the right reasons to be – New job, great perks, beach front house. Oh what a lovely start of this young life. And then she met him.

As the door bell rang Sara rushed in to open the door, aah she was relieved to see him, the movers and packers guy finally!

She took him for a quick tour of her house explaining how she wanted her things to be packed and shifted, openly flaunting how neat clean and organized everything was, and a bit irritated at how he silently kept taking notes.

He started with his job as focused and as efficient as always. It took him half an hour to pack her with care in a body bag and keep it in his large van.

First packet done, he ticked a box on his note.

He regretted not having enough time to explain the why to her, but he knew she wouldn’t have understood! She wouldn’t, the innumerable times he got canned for being messy….

She had to leave, he had to help her…

His superbly organized soul mate from his beautiful messy world.

 
weedoo
 
 
BARCODE

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Is it a Bird, Is it an Animal, oh look it’s Mebohow

In a forest not so far away
one fine day He was there
in winters no one knew about Him
But in spring He was everywhere
MEBOHOW MEBOHOW
IS HE A HALLUCINATION
THE JUNGLE ASKED
Swimming,trekking,Hopping,flying
and some say they saw him playing golf
Who is this, what is this, is he a he or a she
that’s all the jungle could talk about
MEBOHOW MEBOHOW
HE IS A HUMAN SPY
THE WISE OWL DECLARED
one day he would oink and fly
next day swim and purr
whenever he opened his onion mouth
he would make others cry
MEBHOW MEBOHOW
HE NO DOUBT IS 4-IN-1
SAID THE ALLIGATOR WHO HAD SEEN IT ALL
Mebohow aint right
( Mebohow sketch Artist –INDIRA MUKHERJEE @ amaltaas.wordpress.com)
Some said he was a zebra with giraffes legs
some said he was an elephant with zebra stripes
some said he was a giraffe who ate too many onions
and for some he was a piece of modern art
MEBOHOW MEBOHOW
THIS MUST BE GLOBAL WARMING
ROARED THE LION FROM HIS DEN
He asked strange questions
like why the frogs don’t croak
or why the elephants hated bananas
or why lions never roared
MEBOHOW MEBOHOW
THIS MUST BE END OF THE WORLD
HOWLED WOLVES AND JACKALS
as strange Mebohow was, stranger was his death
a Caterpillar thought he was a giant leaf, ate him on one munch
and if you thought this was strangest
wait till you see the butterfly which came out
MEBOHOW MEBOHOW
HE IS NOW A PUZZLED PUZZLING GHOST
BUT JUNGLE IS SCARED OF THE BUTTERFLY
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